november 27th 2011.

i really want to ask you to give us another chance, for the sake of the baby if nothing else.
you tell me you care about me and want me to be happy. you want to spend your time here with me or have me come and stay with you. you hold me all night while i cry and kiss me and tell me you wish you knew how to make it better. you say that you don't want to be with anyone else. you say you want to be here for the baby as much time as you possibly can. not to mention the fact that you still want to sleep with me all the time - and i'm six months pregnant so it's hardly cause i'm looking so good. so i don't see why we can't just give us another chance and give our baby a chance to grow up with both it's parents - something we both missed out on, and have wished we had.
but of course i'm too scared to say any of this to you, because right now, with everything that's going on and the way i feel, the rejection of you saying no because you're too stubborn to even fucking think about it would just crush me i think. and you would. you wouldn't even let me explain, because you'd already have made your mind up. you're always like that and you know it. i'd barely get the sentence out and you'd be going NO without even listening to how i feel.
you're also so scared of anyone knowing we spend time together any more...we were friends BEFORE we went out, so we can be friends after, and i'm also pregnant with your baby. the fact you are so ashamed of anyone knowing you even speak to me any more makes it actually difficult for me to be around you. imagine if one day stuart started keeping your friendship a secret because he thought his other friends were going to laugh or something because he spoke to you? it's heartbreaking. are you going to be the same with our baby? because i won't have it. if this secrecy is because there's someone else, i wish, for the love of god, you would just fucking tell me.
just tell me what the hell is going on.

september 28th 2011.

i used to use tumblr for this but you went and fucking got a tumblr and now i don't have anywhere to rant.

i love you. i love you i love you i love you. i miss you so much my heart hurts, it's like a physical pain. i can't stop thinking about you. i'm scared i will love you forever and that this will never go away. i'm scared of what i'll do to myself if it doesn't stop soon because it's driving me insane. why don't you still love me? you did once. i wish it was then. i wish i could say this to you, so that you truly understood what you mean to me. you say that you do, but i don't think if you did you could have hurt me like this. you are absolutely everything to me. i miss the tiniest things, like being able to hold your hand, or say the words "i love you" to you when i feel like it. i miss our hugs in the kitchen and the way we always sarcastically called each other "dear". i miss the way you used to fall asleep with one hand behind you, on me, because you like your own space but wanted to let me know you were there. i love you. so much it's suffocating. so much i don't know how to convince myself it will ever go away, because i don't think a feeling this big can. i love you so much that i just don't know how to put it into the proper words. you are the other half of me. you always say when i'm upset "i wish i knew what to do to make it better" but you don't understand, you are my "better." my problems disappear when i'm around you because you make me so unbelievably happy that they just can't compete. you are genuinely the light in my life, the only thing i have left that is good. you are everything i ever ever wanted and i had you and i ruined it. that part makes me sick. that i ruined it all, that it's my fault you're not here any more. i have been ill for so long, and tired for so long, and it's because of this. i need you. i can't even think about you being with someone else because it makes me sick that you could love someone else the way you once said you loved me. i have never felt like this about another person in my entire life, i didn't even know i was capable of feeling like this at all. i had never known anything like it. i love you. i can't say it enough times, can't express with enough depth how much you actually mean to me, how much i would go through just so you could be happy. you are absolutely everything to me. i just wish you would give me a chance to be everything to you again. just a chance, start at the beginning, see if we can make it work. but you wont. and i don't know what to do. i need you. so much. there is nobody else for me, at least at the minute that seems incomprehensible. i wish you would understand.