i suppose i haven't told you much about myself lately, have i?
hiya, ahm shan.
i always wear my hat which looks like a panda, i like it, i like pandas, so people took to just calling me shandapanda or panda lately.
i seem like a total junkie alky loudmouthed common bitch. but i'm not really like that...all the time.

i loooooove my friends, as does everyone i suppose (: kasey gallagher, catriona clegg, gemma gibson, olivia addison, robbie anderson, joe foster, thomas matthews, sheryl dunn. all people that make my days better, in their own wee ways :)
i also love people like becca & megan - people as different from me as you can imagine at first glance, but who gave me a chance and realised who i actually am and what im actually like :) these two are fabulous and without them i'd be lost.

matthew brown, over the past few months, has became a massive part of my life. my ginger :) i actually love you, i don't know what i'd do without you, and i'm so glad i got pished at new years ;D ahhahaha. silly nigzzzzzz <3333

i like music and all that shit. not a big tv fan. banter :D (L)

to mummy :)

It's empty in the valley of your heart

The sun, it rises slowly as you walk

Away from all the fears

And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat

You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see

But I have seen the same

I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time

You take what is yours and I'll take mine

Now let me at the truth

Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears

I can see widows and orphans through my tears

I know my call despite my faults

And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands

And see the world hanging upside down

You can understand dependence

When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call

And sing all you want

I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

mummytron.

i have a blog about my dad. well, stepdad, but it's the same thing to me, i love him like he's my father - if you've read it you'll understand.

but my mother, my beautiful, fantastic, amazing, poor poor mother is my hero. i have never and will never in my entire existence love anybody even a fraction of the amount that i love that woman.
she's a dick. i mean she seriously is. sometimes i just want to rip her face off i feel like i hate her that much. but i always love her. sometimes if i say something nasty about her i need to whisper "i love you" inside my head just to balance things out - just in case, you know?

mummy. i will fix this for you. i will look after you just like i always have. if it means giving up everything else in my life - and i mean everything - i will do it. i will make this better.

english essay #2.

edit; this essay was marked by my teacher and she said something like "shannen calderwood, this is a magnificent piece of writing, it's just so heartfelt and beautiful. it's perfect." you can imagine how pleased i was.


Writing a whole essay on a topic you feel strongly about, without it turning into a rather biased rant, is quite difficult. But so is finding a topic that you feel strongly enough about to write an essay on. There are few, for me personally, but this is probably the biggest one.

Parklands school, for children with support needs.

If you are an animal lover, animal cruelty is more disgusting to you than to people who don’t like pets. If you are a bookworm, libraries to you are the greatest place in the world. Everybody has things which are personal to them. For me, with a younger brother who happens to have aspergers syndrome - a form of autism - the idea of a school like this being closed is horrific. 

To truly express the way I feel about this school and it’s possibly closure, I would suppose I have to truly express my feelings towards my little brother. I have three younger brothers, and they are my only siblings. Cullen, the eldest, is 10 years old, 11 next month. Craig & Jamie are 9 year old twins. Craig, mentally and physically, is perfectly healthy for a 9 year old boy. Jamie, however, is not so lucky. Physically Craig and Jamie are nothing alike. Craig, along with his older brother Cullen, is very much like his dad in looks. They are tanned, tall, slim, and have dark hair and eyes. Jamie is much more like me, and my mum. We all have fair hair, pale skin and blue eyes. We knew from when Jamie was about three years old that he was slightly odd, but we thought he was just his own person, he enjoyed his own company. It wasn’t until his primary one teacher suggested that we have him tested for autism that we thought anything could be truly wrong. But it didn’t change how we thought of him. Jamie is the light of my whole life. He is the one person who I know, no matter how bad I feel, could cheer me up with one smile. He is the most beautiful child I have ever seen in my life and he will always be the most beautiful. Jamie is intelligent, and I will never tire of coming home to the sound of him rambling about something he has learned in school that day, or something he found in one of his books. He loves dinosaurs, and could talk about them for longer than any other child can talk about one thing without getting bored. He has his bad days and he has his tantrums, but he makes me happy every single time I see him, and I could want nothing at all more than for him to have a long and happy life, even with his condition.

Parklands school allows children like Jamie, and children who are much worse off than him (as well as better) to have a decent standard of living and a happy, enjoyable few years while they are there. They have facilities which could never be provided for them if they are placed into mainstream education, which is what is proposed by the government if the school is to close. Inside Parklands there is a hydropool, so that the children who are in wheelchairs can have an hour or so of freedom a day and allow their bodies to move around. There is a class of five children, who I do volunteer work with, who are far, far too badly disabled to go into mainstream schools. Only one can walk and none of them can talk. There are hoists and changing facilities in their classroom as these children (I say children, but some of them are as old as 18 years old) cannot even signal when they need to go to the toilet, let alone dream of going themselves. One of the girls cannot move enough to eat, she is fed through a tube in her stomach at intervals throughout the day. These people cannot be put into mainstream education. Although the government propose that some of the money they save will be spent on extra training for teachers, they will not be able to, or may choose not to, deal with things like that. Even if they could, the government would have to spend even more money building extra facilities into schools so that the children could be looked after properly. There is also a multi-sensory room which is full of soft mats and cushioned areas and, again, hoists, so that the pupils in the school can all get use out of it. It has many coloured lights, a bubble machine (which again is a visual stimulant), speakers to play calming or upbeat music depending on the children and their moods. Things like this could not be provided if these children were put into mainstream education.

I personally believe that if you put the “big men” who are right at the top, who are responsible for this idea being considered, into that school for a day, they would stop their debating and leave Parklands open without a second though. To walk into that school every day and see the joy that the surroundings, the staff - even down to the smiles they get from the dinner ladies - brings these young people, is touching to say the very, very least. To enter the classroom of those five severely disabled individuals and see the slight smile they give you, the wave from one or two of them, could reduce you to tears if you thought for a moment what would happen to those smiles if they could no longer be there every day. The staff in this school are also some of the most brilliant people I have ever came across in my entire life - they are doing the job I strive to do and they enjoy every minute of it, it’s clear on every single one of their faces. They, too, know the happiness that they bring these children every day just by being a familiar face and that is not a feeling you ever want to trade - not even if you were offered the world. If Parklands was to close and these people be put into mainstream education, they would no longer have those familiar surroundings and day to day activities  - some as simple as a member of staff pressing snow into their hand so that they can feel it and recognise that it’s cold - which bring them such happiness. They would not cope in mainstream education so they would have top stay at home with their parents - who would most likely, therefore, need to give up their jobs or at least have to work part time instead of full time, therefore losing money, and their children’s standard of living would decrease that little bit more. 

I don’t think any amount of money that can be saved by the government is worth the effect that the closure of Parklands would have on the lives of these children. It is not worth the sadness and confusion that would wash over them with the loss of such a massive part of their every day. And, as I said, I feel this strongly about it because I can empathise. My little brother qualifies for Parklands, and although he is currently in a normal primary school, he only copes as there are under 100 pupils in the school and he has adequate classroom assistants. After primary school that could change, he could be unable to deal with the amount of pupils in a mainstream secondary school and have to go to Parklands for his secondary education - if the school has been closed, what will happen to him?

The mere thought of this school and all the excellent facilities it offers children being closed is unreasonable and, quite frankly, disgusting. If they do decide to close it, I can only imagine what the parents of pupils there and residents of Helensburgh will have to say about it, if this is the views of one fifteen year old girl in an English essay. It will be rather interesting.

Daddy.

i remember when i was about four or five, and we lived in ardencaple, and i had a night light that had a beauty & the beast shade on it that made scary shapes on the wall, you used to read to me every night. a chapter from one of my winnie the pooh books. they were gorgeous books, i still have them on my bookshelves in my bedroom. i could never throw them away because i used to love that time so much.
i also remember when you taught me to ride my first bike without stabelisers, on the grit pitch at the rugby club, and i know how mnay times i fell off and cried. but i also remember how happy you were when i finally got going.
i remember sitting in yours & my mum's room, which was the last room on the left before the front door, on the end of the bed, with you teaching me how to tie the laces on my trainers. that probably took as long as learning to ride the bike haha, but you were patient, and now my laces are always perfect :)
i remember your birthday party at the rugby club where it was james bond & bond girls etc. me and my mummy practically had the same dresses except mine was a little girls dress obviously. you told us both how beautiful we looked, and i have the picture of us together from that night pinned up in my room somewhere, along with another few of me and you together.
apparently i wouldn't go near anyone in the club unless i was with you, when i was yonger, but i don't remember that far back. i loved you. i love you.
i remember that night a few months ago when i came home really pished and you told me off, as was deserved, for being drunk AGAIN. and i remember saying the one thing i was most ashamed of saying in my entire life. "you're not even my real dad. you don't love me." oh god, i know what it must have done to you to hear that, and i hope you know how much it killed me when i woke up and remembered. i have never, ever been so disgusted in myself. because you are my dad. as much as my "real" dad is my father as well, that doesn't make you any less of that. because you've been here for me for longer than i can remember, you've put up with my shit for the past 15 years or whatever, and you never once brought it up. you've done everything for me, for all of us, especially for my mum.
i've been so shit to you over the past few years because as i got older we grew more and more apart, argued more and more. yet you still stuck by me through every little thing life threw at me.
so why this?
i think i started this to try and put into words how much i'm going to miss you, but i have since realised that that would be impossible. i'm going to miss the stupidest little things. the way you walk about silently, in your wee grumpy way. your really shit jokes. our banter. giving you a hug when i'm really upset and finding comfort in the fact that i'm still so much smaller than you, even now. you waking me up in the morning and having it timed so well that that i'm always out of bed at exactly the same time. the faces we make when my mum speaks and we both think the same thing at the same time. the way you lick the spoon when you finish serving something and it drives her INSANE, but i still notice you doing it every time. laughing to myself when i see you making yourself food after dinner and thinking how you will eat ANYTHING on toast.
i love you so much i'm not even going to try and explain it. i take comfort in the fact that you're here. after all these years of arguments i've never doubted the fact that you love me, love us, anyway.
but i was wrong.
and i think this was all to say, simply, please don't leave me. please, please don't go.

mhm.

this was supposed to be an essay, but i liked it, so.


Describe a person or event which has changed your life drastically.”

There are many people and events which have changed my life in what I would call a drastic way. People coming, people going, things happening. But nothing changed my life more drastically than the day my best friend left.

People use that term too lightly, “best friend”. Someone you’ve known a while and get along with, or someone you tell more secrets to than others. But Kimberley Murray was honestly my best friend. For nine years, we were inseparable. We done everything together, all of the time, since we were in primary 1. We used to have “sleepovers” and go round to each others houses - dropped off by our parents, obviously. We got older but the routine pretty much stayed the same - by primary 4 or 5 we were about 8 or 9, old enough to make our own way to each others houses which were only ten minutes or so apart. We would see each other after school almost every day, would stay over at weekends. Kimbo, although not called that until she was about 13, would come with me when I visited my dad’s house at weekends. By the time we were 11 or 12 we were getting the bus into Helensburgh most Saturdays and spending the day in town before staying at one of our houses. Our friendship was so effortless, it was brilliant. We just clicked, we were the two halves of the whole, “double trouble” - any nickname for a duo, that was Shan and Kim. From that young an age, she was my whole world, and I loved her, love her, with all my heart.

When we hit the “terrible teens” it was even better. Better for us, worse for our parents, I suppose. We had even better times than we had when we were younger, and I really appreciated Kimbo for a person in general, rather than my best friend. She really is an amazing individual, always going out of her way to make other people happy, and is always there to talk to if she’s needed. Through the past two or three years she has been there for me through some really hard times, and has never once complained about how selfish I have been, just dumping everything on her because it got too hard for me. She made me the person I am today by supporting me through everything, and that’s not just a cheesy line. We were never at home, we were always out, or at each other’s houses, just like we always had been. It was; school, Kimbo’s, home on the last bus, school - and so on until Friday when we went straight to Kim’s, I stayed the night, Saturday we went into town, I stayed the night, Sunday we went into town, and I went home on the last bus. We spent every second of time we possibly could together and yet we never got sick of each other - like I said, we were halves of the whole, like yin and yang, you couldn’t have one without the other, she completed me.

When she left, it tore me apart. It really did, there is no other way to put it, it was like a physical emptiness. You can’t spend 9 years of your life with somebody and then be able to cope when they walk out of your life and move 4 hours away. Four hours may not seem a lot but to a 14 year old girl with no money and no means of visiting and school to go to and problems to deal with, your best friend, your “soul sister” being that far away from you, is a really big deal. My mum, who had obviously known Kimbo for as long as I did, realised how hard it was for me to cope because even she got quite emotional, so I knew that I could always talk to my mum about it, but I didn’t really have much to say. I was missing part of me, a big part of me, and I knew it wouldn’t be coming back any time soon. I think a lot of people expected me to cry a lot, or mope around, but I didn’t. I got on with everything the same as usual but I was just “numb” I suppose. A lot of people use that word to describe a feeling of loss but that is really how I felt, as though nothing affected me any more, I was just on autopilot. I didn’t want to cry, but I didn’t want to laugh, either - nothing was particularly funny any more.

My life changed drastically when she left, but also in my accepting that she would not be coming back, and moving on. It took a while, but I assume everyone expected it to. I became more independent and my personality also changed a lot - I had spent 9 years with the same person, now I was making new friends and it was having a big effect on me. I met people like Catriona Clegg, who to this day is the person I will swear got me through it. Cleggie has inspired me in so many ways, I have never met a more selfless and brilliant person in my entire life - she is one of my heroes. Kim leaving helped me find her, so every cloud has a silver lining. It also taught me a lesson in life - everybody experiences loss in some way or another, and Kim leaving prepared me for events such as that. Recently a very good friend of mine committed suicide, and although the situation is hugely different, I do feel I used some tiny part of how I felt when Kimberley left to help me through that. It has also helped me see just how strong our friendship was, as I still speak to her every single day, have visited her many times in the year and a half since she has been gone, and she has visited me.

Kimberley Murray changed my life both as a person and as an event, when she left. She changed my life in a negative way, in such a bad way, that I thought I would never recover. But then I took some time to think about it and realised that I had been right all along, my Kimbo had changed my life for the better.